Self Love is a Lie

This is probably the most clickbaity title I’ll ever write. Because I do believe in self-love. I just don’t think it’s what many people see it as. I think that especially on TikTok self-care and indulging have become the same thing. and I just don’t agree with that

This is an episode in defence of self-discipline and I want to make an argument that self-discipline is the best form of self-love

Talking point 1: Giving in is not always the right thing to do

point a: what happens if you give in to your immediate desires

Maybe algorithms are to blame her but lately my for you page has been filled with the same message. Do whatever you want because you deserve it. Buy that dress, you deserve it! Stay on the couch watching Netflix all weekend because you deserve it after such a hard week. Eat whatever you want, you deserve to not have to restrict yourself. Now you might be thinking, isn’t that all true? And maybe it is but I don’t think it’s self-love. I believe you deserve anything in the world, no conditions required. You can buy the dress no matter what, or watch Netflix without having had a productive week even. But is it self-love? I’m not sure. Self-love has become synonymous with giving in to each and every one of your desires, instantly. And yes it will feel so good at the moment, but is it a good solution long term? If you buy every piece of clothing you love in the name of self-love, how will your bank account look in a couple of months? If you eat whatever you crave all the time, how will your health be in a couple of months? If you spend your whole weekend on the couch after a busy week, will you be truly happy with your life down the line? Often what we want at the moment is not the best for us, and giving in to this every time, in my opinion, is a fine line between self-love and self-harm. Because if we do things in the name of self-love that will make us unhappy in the long run, isn’t that disguised self-harm?

point b: Self-harm??

We often see self-harm as these really destructive behaviours like cutting or drug abuse. Giving in to all your desires doesn’t harm you to the same extent of course but it’s still not in your best interests. I think that is something we have lost track of. We focus so much on instant gratification that we lose the big picture. The articles that we can’t buy houses because we buy too much coffee are total bullshit but I do think that we spend our money in different ways which makes it harder to save. And I am oh so guilty of this. I haven’t saved anything since I started working because I wanted to enjoy life, because I deserved it, I had a big girl job now. But boy, do I wish I hadn’t done that. When I got burnout I wish I would have had way more savings than I had. It would have saved me so much stress and all I needed was self-discipline.

When we feel down we often have the instinct to treat ourselves. and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with treating yourself, it often doesn’t solve the issue and it can actually create a new one that will also create stress which leads us to treat ourselves again and creating new issues again and it just all goes downhill from there.

point c: You don’t always see the effects either

And the effects of treating yourself aren’t always clear. If your reflex to stress is eating candy that will eventually result in weight gain but it isn’t always this straightforward. For example, it took me a while to realise that my inproductivity was linked to me watching friends every night on the couch with my boyfriend. Before I used to spend my evenings reading or watching inspiring youtube videos and when I stopped doing that my drive and motivation slowly started slipping away. I thought I deserved more chill evenings because I was working so hard but I indulged in a habit that left me worse off after some time.

Talking point 2: How do you fix this?

point a: What do you need to thrive?

But enough about the consequences, I said this podcast was in defence of self-discipline and I want to tell you how you can implement it into your own life. The first part of self-discipline is figuring out what you need to thrive. The basics are the same for everybody: Enough sleep, a balanced diet and enough exercise. And I also believe we all need some form of social contact on a regular basis. But how you fill in those things will totally depend on your personality. And on top of that, you might have things that are personal to you that you need to feel good. My best friend's life runs way smoother if she meal preps. I need to go outside every day to prevent ending up like a useless blob. For you, it might be a creative outlet or a specific hobby.

By knowing what you need to thrive it becomes easier to implement these things into your life.

point b: Parent yourself

In my opinion, self-love is a lot like gentle parenting. Parents care deeply about their children but they don’t let them just do whatever they want. They protect them by sometimes saying no. Gentle parents listen to what their children actually need and provide that for them. And true self-love is doing that for yourself. It’s going to the root of your feelings and attacking that problem. It’s finding healthy pick-me up’s. It’s taking care of your future self.

point c: In practice

But what does that look like in day-to-day life? It looks like making time for the things you need. It looks like protecting your boundaries and sometimes it looks like doing the thing you don’t want to do because you know it will make you feel better. If you are stressed and all in your head, taking your phone and scrolling on TikTok might feel like the perfect downtime, but if you are honest with yourself going outside for a walk and meeting up with some friends to talk or journaling it out will probably make you feel way better than TikTok ever could make you feel.

You could also create healthy habits to replace your unhealthy habits. I saw a TikTok last week of a guy who always used to grab his phone when he felt stressed to go scroll social media. He replaced that habit with picking up his phone and writing down his feelings in the note app. The result was that he felt way better overall and he learned to process his emotions better but also way faster.

This isn’t always easy. It takes time to develop your self-discipline. And part of gentle parenting yourself is catching when you slipped up again and not punishing yourself for it. Be kind to yourself and slowly start picking yourself up again.

Talking point 3: Giving in

point a: Can you still give in?

Does having self-disciple mean you can never indulge again? Of course not! But in my opinion, it needs to be a conscious decision, not a default option. It becomes way more enjoyable that way too!